dear diary,
It’s Ours!

We got the house! We’ve spent the last two weeks working hard to fix up the inside so we can move in. Then we will focus on the outside. So far we’ve fixed the leaks in the faucets, patched all the holes, ripped the carpet out, and painted all of the walls “malibu beige” and the trimming white. We found one of those fancy flat top stoves for only $50. We found a roll of carpet that is BRAAAAAND new! never been walked on! for $40. We still need to fix the window, change the locks, and install the carpet. After that, we’re moving in! Then we’ll work on cleaning the bathroom (hard to do when there’s no electricity and no windows in there) and fixing up the outside. We need to fix the trimming on the front of the house because the wood rotted and then paint. I’m thinking just white with black trim. Or maybe beige with black trim. Or hot pink with black trim. just kidding. We also need to chop down this retarded looking tree. and put up the fence in the back.

I’ve been thinking of storage and space saving ideas too. instead of a coffee table or kitchen table, I want to buy 8 TV dinner trays. Alex’s dresser will be in her closet and I found plans for a loft bed with stairs (the steps open up like a secret storage!) and a playhouse underneath. I’m keeping AJ’s clothes under his crib in Jose’s suitcases so that’s one less dresser for our room. We’re trading our king size bed for my mom’s queen size. Her bed also has a bed frame (ours doesn’t) so there’s more storage for us under the bed! Also instead of having a couch and a love seat, we’re just going to have the couch. In the bathroom, I want to put 4 or 5 towel racks on the back of the door to hang towels on because there isn’t a linen closet. I’ll just keep our extra blankets and what not in our closets.

aaaaaand that’s about it for the house!!

Today is Mother’s day! Last night was a big step for me. We had dinner at one of Jose’s sisters’ house. I am so shy, it’s a problem. I will sometimes have pure anxiety attacks before we go to parties or dinners or something and end up not going. The times I do go, I end up in the bedrooms playing with the kids the whole night, or if there are no kids, I spend most of my time in the bathroom. I usually convice Jose to take me home after maybe 30 minutes. But last night, I did it! I did play with the kids, but I spent time with the adults too. Maria, Jose’s close sister, really helped out a lot too. She picked out my outfit and told me to do my make up and leave my hair down. She spent a lot of time with me too to encourage me to basically not run to a corner and hide. I forced myself to talk to Jose’s other sister, Nancy and it really didn’t turn out so bad! I tried to talk to Jose’s sister-in-law, Leilani, but she is just super intimidating to me for some reason. She’s really hard to talk to and it’s always been that way for me. I don’t think she likes me. When she first came over to Nancy’s house, she just kinda smiled at me after I smiled big and said “hi, how are you?” but then when she saw Nancy and Maria, she got all loud “HEYYYYY LADIESSSSSSSSS”.  I just sat there by myself trying not to cry. That shit was embarrassing. I don’t even know if anybody else noticed, but it really hurt me. I got over it pretty quick though.
Overall, I had a good night. Jose made me feel really good too by noticing how good I was throughout the night. He saw how hard it was for me but that I made myself do it! He usually gets short tempered when I get depressed and anxious, but he was very supportive last night and said he was proud of me. :)

Here is Maria and me!

Another House

A lot has happened since my last post. I had a baby boy. Jose and I have had pretty big arguments that have led us to near breaking points. Annabell has had more seizures. I started working out since the first of April and I lost four pounds so far :’D. Uhh, that’s about it!
So now I’m back to posting regularly, hopefully! This post is about another house we found.

It is 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom. $400/mo with no deposit. Our current apartment is a little bigger, 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, and is $465/mo with a $300 deposit. I’m pretty positive we’ll get our deposit back here, so moving in to the house would be super easy. It is very trashed due to the previous tenants that got evicted and there is no for rent sign up so I’m not really worried about competition to get this one. There are pros and there are cons. To me, the fact that it’s a house instead of an apartment just outweighs everything. But to Jose, it’s definitely gonna take some convincing. He’s having a hard time seeing past the trash.

I’ll start with the cons:
It’s smaller than our apartment. I don’t think there’s room for a table in the kitchen (I don’t remember after looking at it). It needs A LOT of fixing up- the carpet needs to be pulled and thrown away, it smells like cats, there’s trash all over the floor, the walls have a few fist holes, one of the windows is broken.

Now the pros:
IT’S A HOUSE. That means no stupid people living in the same building as us!!! There’s a front and back yard where the kids can play (including Annabell :P). There’s no fence, but the owner said we can put one up. It’s still in walking distance to my daughter’s school. The utilities were still on when we looked at it, so I checked to make sure everything works. Everything does work. My step dad knows how to fix anything and everything having to do with a house- he can pull up the carpet and paint the floors until we can get new carpet installed, he can fix the holes in the walls, he actually has another window that will fit to replace the broken one. It’d be a fun project every day for me! I always tell Jose how I’d love to have a garden and flower beds and a yard to tend to! It’s two houses down from my mom’s house. Us living there also means less crack heads in the neighborhood, because that seems to be the only people that move into that house only to destroy it and make the whole block look bad. aaaand… yeah. I think we should get it.
I HOPE HOPE HOPE Jose says yes! :( UGH. It’s killing me! I want to get out of this place sooo bad.

I circled the house in the background of this picture we took at my mom’s house on Easter! :D

This Fool… baaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha

Alex’s dad has the nerve to ask me through a facebook message to cancel the child support order because he’s having a tough time in his life because he just had ANOTHER baby. Which baby is this? 5? 6? Wrap your shit up! Suffer the consequences and pay me back for the last 4 years that you haven’t done shit for me. Took my virginity, got me pregnant, treated me like the stupid 14 year old that I was, got me in HUGE trouble MULTIPLE times all 100% your fault, and then go and do the same thing to more young, vulnerable virgins! Yeah, fuck you. Alex really needs the child support anyway so… no. You have no excuse. Plus, you were the one that started all the court shit sueing me for my claim for child support saying you aren’t the father making me go to all those stupid court dates that you didn’t even show up to! I’m not gonna hear your bullshit and I want my daughter’s rightful money!

On another note, Alex and I made the wuggle pets today that I got her for her birthday. They’re sooo cute! She named hers Snuggle and I named mine Lilly. :)

That is all

Content… Generally

I’ve overall had a good few days.
    First of all, Alex’s birthday party. She had tons of fun. Only two kids showed up from her class, but there were plenty of kids because my neice and nephew, Alana and Jony, came. My neighbor’s daughter came too, Hannah. They all had tons of fun. We were late to get started. Alex didn’t even show up on time. She stayed at my mom’s house with my step dad while my mom and I got the apartment ready. People started coming before we were done lol. And when the party started, I was kind of awkward because I really have no idea how to host a party. There were a lot of silences where everyone was like “okay what now?” haha but the moms that came were really cool and we had a lot of fun. We played some games and I let the kids decorate paper bags with stickers while I threw little toy bugs all over the house that they got to collect and take home. Then she opened presents and got WAYY too many squinkies or whatever. These liiiittle bitty squishy toys that I find all over the house all the time, and I vacuum up at least 1 a day hahaha. She got a couple puzzles from one of the girls that came. I also got her a little wuggle pets thing- kind of like Build a Bear where you put the stuffing in them yourself, and I got her some hair clips and a spray bottle so I can do something with her hair other than a pony tail. Aaaand some little hoop earrings because Alana wears them all the time and Alex wanted some for herself :) She loved all the other stuff I got her too that I said in my last post. She also got a bunch of bath stuff, like bubble bath, and the fizzy things that change the color of the water, and some bathtub markers that she can draw on the walls with.
    And theeeen Valentine’s day went well :) I got my presents from Jose early- a stuffed puppy and an mp3 player! I gave him one present early because he needed it… a tool kit to keep in our new car that came with jumper cables hahaha. Then I gave him the deck of cards I made- “52 things I love about you” with one thing written on each card. (there was only 50 cards though, shh…) It made him cry! Happy tears of course.
    Then my mom bought me 3 pairs of pajama pants… 2 of them are like 1 inch too small, one fits perfect. She got me 3 big shirts too- all comfy :) I really wanted some because I hardly have any clothes that fit and I’m just not willing to go clothes shopping, especially since I only have 8 days left of being pregnant and I plan on working out as soon as I’m able again. So now I have comfortable stuff to lounge in. Oh, she also got me a robe and slippers too! I had a robe already but it was too short. This one is long enough to where I don’t have to get dressed just to take my dog outside to pee really quick at 3:00 in the morning. Heck yeah!
    Jose bought me the next size plugs too for my ears! 2 gauge. They’re really cool looking too. Very detailed sugar skulls. I love them.
    Jose had to get a varicella shot yesterday too for his job. While we were passing time waiting for the place to open, we went to these two thrift stores down town. They have a great condition travel system (stroller and car seat) for only $40. I asked my mom if she had the money on her. She said no, but she promised me that next payday, which will be the day I have the baby, if the stroller is still there, she’ll buy it for me and if not, she’ll buy me a brand new one instead of spending hundreds of dollars at dollar stores every pay day. She has a bit of a problem hahaha
    Today, Jose got home from work when I was gone to pick up Alex from school. Since he has a car to take himself to and from work, I thought it’d be nice to see him home waiting for me for once rather than him coming home to me. But of course he went to Angel’s apartment first thing and that really triggered some depression. Its weird because I’m not really mad about it. Especially now, I don’t give a shit at all but I’m still depressed. I don’t understand myself. I was so happy all day today until that happened. Meh
    Time to eat dinner and be forced to watch the dumb ass dog the bounty hunter /:<

The Big 5!

Alex’s 5th birthday party is today. Since I’m broke because I spent a few hundred more on a car than I really wanted to, my mom has done all the shopping and what not. So while she’s at her house getting party favors and decorations and what not ready, I’m sitting here on Tumblr just tumblin. I could probably wash dishes, but I’ve got time later. There’s not many.
    My mom was trying to keep it a secret from me what she got Alex, but she couldn’t keep it in and I’m soooooooo excited!!! She got her a matching set for her bedroom- comforter and sheets, curtains, a rug, etc. I’m excited because that’s one of the things I REALLY wanted to get with my income tax money but didn’t have enough left over. I got her like 15 books from the dollar tree. My goal is to eventually fill up her book shelf. :) And I want her to like reading more than I do. I also got her PreK level addition and subtraction work books! I want to get her started on math since they haven’t really done any in school yet. She’s so smart, I think she’ll catch on pretty quick. I got her a little ladybug piggy bank too cause she doesn’t have anywhere to keep all the money she finds around the house and what not. Jose got her a fairly oddparents gameboy game too yesterday. Today he gave me his last little bit of money, $30, and said to buy her something from us that she’ll love. I’m going to see if my mom will pitch in the rest for now to buy her some fish or a lizard or something. I wanted to get her hissing cockroaches because I believe those are the best first pet for a kid, but I think fish will be more fun to watch. I’m kind of nervous though because I’ve never in my life been able to keep fish alive lol. But I’ve been reading on it and I’m way more knowledgeable about it now than I was before. So maybe we’ll give it a shot. I’d like to get her a couple guppies or something. They’re very pretty and very cheap :) Either that or I want to find something that is big. All kids love to get a present that’s in a huge wrapped box, hahaha.
    My mom also swears up and down that she wants to pay me back for giving her money to buy all of alex’s party stuff. It makes no sense to me, lmao, but if she must, I might let her treat me to subway or something. I plan on not eating any cake today. There’s already been so many birthdays in February, so for one, I’m SICK of cake, and for another, I’m a healthy bamf now so…
    Anyway, I know for sure at least 6 kids are showing up to the party. So it’s already a party! Whooo! I’m very nervous because it’s at my apartment instead of the park due to bipolar weather of Texas. I was so excited to wake up and look out the window to see a blue sky and pretty, white clouds and sunshine and a dry ground! Then I go outside and it’s fucking windy and icy cold. :| greeeeaaaat.
    I will post later with gifts and pictures! :D

Initiation

I have some sort of mental issue, I think. I can’t stay focused on ANYTHING. Not even Tumblr…. weird, huh. I don’t do anything unless I’m told to do it, even if it’s basic stuff, like cooking dinner. I won’t cook unless Jose tells me to. I won’t turn on the TV unless someone asks me to. I can’t even get myself to clean the house. I have no motivation most of the time. I tried turning on music, but I end up looking at myself in the mirror and singing along to all the songs. I tried just telling myself… CLEAN THE GOD DAMN KITCHEN. Nope, didn’t work. But lately I’ve been making lists. Lists really help me with everything now. I make lists of food I want to buy, meals I want to make, presents I want to get alex for her birthday, tattoos I want to get, themes I want to make for each room in my house, etc. I’ve tried to-do lists in a few different ways to find one that might work to get me to keep up my house. I’ve tried putting it in order of what rooms I want to get done first, like “kitchen, living room, bathroom, bedroom, alex’s room.” Didn’t work. I just get distracted so easily. I tried then putting times on it based on when I have to do something at a certain time next. Example, I have to pick up Alex from school at 3. So I divide the time from now until then by how many rooms I need to clean. Didn’t work. I never got done on time. BUT I finally found a way that works for me… Detailed to-do lists! Here is my to-do list for today.
    Bedroom
clean off dressers
clean floor
put any clothes away
vacuum
    Bathroom
scrub tub (we sprayed tilex last night before bed)
clean mirrors
clean off sink
sweep
mop
tilex edge of tub
    Living Room
organize speakers
fix and spray couches
sweep by door
vacuum
mop by door
mop again
    Kitchen
put away clean dishes
wash dirty dishes
clean counter, stove, table
sweep
mop
mop again

And hopefully I get all of that done by 2:30 because I need to walk to the school to give cupcakes to Alex’s class because her birthday party is tomorrow. I’m also going to try to get her room decorated today. meeeeeeeh.

    Weeep, and this weekend might be fun! It will definitely be productive too. We’ve been putting off getting Jose’s license for so long just because Texas is dumb and he’s between the ages of 18 and 24. That means he has to take a 6 hour course for $100… even though he’s already had a license too. But we bought a car last weekend and our goal is to be totally legal by the time the baby is born. So this weekend, we’re gonna get that stupid $100 out of the way. Kind of sucks because he’ll have to miss Alex’s birthday party :( but they only offer the course twice a month. If he takes the next one, the baby will already be born and we don’t want to risk not having the money for it by then. We have it in our hands now so we’re just gonna do it even though it sucks. Soooo today Jose and I are going to go to the driver’s school to sign up for this bullshit tomorrow. Then I have to finish getting party favors and decorations ready for Alex’s party. We made the invitations saying that it will be at the park unless there’s bad weather. in that case, it’d be at o ur apartment. It was super nice ALL WEEK and today it decides to rain. That means the park will be muddy so there’s going to be at LEAST 8 kids at my apartment tomorrow. Not really excited. But I’m trying to stay positive about it, lol. Then on Sunday, we should be able to bring the car home and on Monday, we’re going to try to get Jose’s license if he passes the course…. which he better… 100 damn dollars. shoooot. Theeeeen we should be able to take it to get the registration and inspection stickers updated.
    Jose’s so excited to finally have a car again that he can play with. He’s also excited that his son will be born soon. He plans to put AJ in his little bouncy seat thing outside with him when he’s working on the car so he can start teaching AJ about it early lmao. So cute!
    He’s also going to be getting his income tax back soon too. More money, yaaay. He wants to buy new headlights for the car really bad. Then he said I can have all the money left over because he told me he felt bad that I didn’t get to buy anything for myself since i put all my income tax towards the car. I don’t care though, but shit, I’m not gonna say no to that bwahaha.
    I set my time limit to write this blog for 9:30 and it’s now 9:29 so I’m going to end this quick with one more thing I want to say.
    I’m having a baby shower! Yay! I was nervous that we wouldn’t be able to have one. But we’re going to have it at the hospital since my mom and Jose both work there. All the nurses n shit can just bring stuff. Downside, it has to be on the same day as my c-section! My next appointment is on monday, so I want to talk to my doctor and see if maybe we could schedule it as late in the day as possible. That’d be cool. :)
Okay, gotta go. hahaha

Giddy

I don’t know what happened to you in the last few days but I am loving it. faslk;jgrn;jeikfdlzbtr;oeisfzb;onetard <—- that’s how you’ve been making me feel underneath the huge ass smile on my face and that’s a good thing. it’s a really good thing. a great amazing fantastic thing.

When you called me from work the other day, you made that day 10000000000000000000000009999999999% better and you made my entire week and I will never ever forget that phone call ever in my life. You haven’t said anything that sweet to me in such a long time hahaha… and just for my own personal records, you told me just out of no where:

    “Guess what? I’m in love with you. I’ve been thinking about it all day and… I’m in love with you. I’m so happy to be with you. You’re my life.”

Okay your english wasn’t that perfect, but that’s basically it.

oh my GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD

why are you so perfect?!? well sometimes… but the perfect times are the times I care about! how did I get so lucky?

Scary Day - Long Night - Stronger Love

My dog, Annabell, had two seizures in under 5 minutes this past Thursday, and another seizure about 5 minutes after those. It was the scariest shit I have ever seen. She started out shaking just a little, like she might have been cold. I didn’t think anything of it at first. I called her to come to me so I could hug on her, but she didn’t listen. She didn’t even look at me. Then she started drooling and her back started to arch. I still had no idea it was a seizure at that point. The first thought in my mind was like one of those shows where animals see paranormal shit because Annabell had her eyes set to something on the wall. She didn’t take her eyes off of that spot. I tried to grab her to pick her up but she ran away from me, drooling more and more. I called my neighbor, Rhonda, that she loves like crazy to see if she would come over and maybe Annabell would snap out of it when she saw her. She said she would come over. I hung up the phone and looked out the window to watch when she was coming. I turned around to look at my dog and I was in shock. She was shaking madly with her mouth pryed open. Her spine was bent the opposite way that it should bend. Her legs were all twisted. I freaked out and ran out the door to get Rhonda to hurry. I was screaming that I thought she was having a seizure.
    Because I don’t have a car or any money, I don’t know what I would have done if Rhonda wasn’t there. The first thing she did was grab Annabell and said “come on, we’re going to the vet.” We took Annabell to her house so she could get dressed really fast. She was still in her pajamas. That’s when she had her second seizure.
    Looking for a vet was very frustrating. We took her first to the one that she got all her shots from. All the doctors were on their lunch break. She had her third seizure. So we took her to the vet in the next city, which was a lot bigger and definitely looked more expensive. Not only was I worried about Annabell while we were doing all this running around looking for a damn doctor, but I was worried about how the hell I’d ever be able to afford to save her life. She started throwing up and shitting on me in the car on the way to the vet. We got there and of course the doctors were at lunch. What the fuck! Why do they all take their god damn lunch at the same fucking time!?!??! Rhonda asked if I wanted to try another vet. I told her no, I just wanted Annabell to rest. I said we should just wait here because everyone everywhere else would most likely be at lunch too. About 10 minutes later, which was probably one of the longest 10 minutes of my life, a doctor finally got in and checked her out. He said she was going to be fine because she was getting enough oxygen, but I still couldn’t stop crying because I was thinking about the price. The doctor wanted to keep her overnight to monitor her and brought back an estimate for that which came to be over $300 dollars. I said hell no. How would they monitor her there anyway overnight? There’s one overnight nurse and 50 thousand animals in that vet… They wouldn’t pay any special attention to Annabell. Then they gave us an estimate to check her blood work and give her an injection of phenobarbital and keep her there at least to the end of the day which brought it down to about $180 which was still out of our budget. (Rhonda recently had her dog almost die and has spent SO FAR about $1500…) SO the doctor said they need to at least inject the phenobarbital which would knock her out and then we can take her home. That brought it down to $98 something. We agreed to that.
    So they took Annabell back to give her the shot. I heard her screammmm which kind of made me more hopeful, because those seizures really took all of the energy out of her so hearing her scream made me know that she still had some fight left. But when they brought her back, I thought she died… Until he brought her up close to me, I couldn’t see her breathing. Her tongue was hanging out of her mouth, her head and tail were hanging down as he was carrying her. When he said it’d knock her out, he wasn’t exaggerating at all! When I picked her up, it was such a scary feeling because it was definitely dead weight. She was out. The doctor said he gave her the phenobarbital shot and some valium and it should keep her out for at least 24 hours. He then told me that it is rare for dogs to get seizures at such a young age (6 months). The usual age for dogs that get seizures is 2 years. He said too that clusters (back to back seizures) 90% of the time means idiopathic epilepsy. So he prescribed phenobarbital pills which is the same thing that humans with epilepsy take and recommended that I keep giving them to her twice a day for the rest of her life. He prescribed 90 pills, which is 45 days worth, and then two refills, and said I should make a follow up to check her blood work then to see how it is working and he will renew her medication. He also gave 4 days worth of valium for me to give her 3 times a day because the phenobarbital pills won’t start really working in her system for at least a week. I started freaking out again because I started thinking… how the hell am I going to be able to afford a prescription for her? The doctor said he didn’t know how much it costs but he did tell me that it’s very inexpensive. My thoughts were, “Dude, you’re a fucking veterinarian. Your idea of inexpensive and my idea of inexpensive… do you honestly think they are similar?!!?”
    Rhonda payed the $98 dollars for me. She was laughing about it, but it really made me cry harder when she told me she took that money out of her boyfriend’s savings to go visit his kids that live across the country that he hadn’t seen in 6 years. She told me not to worry about it. I promised her I’d pay her back as soon as I could. Thank god I am getting my income tax any day now!!! Perfect timing!!
    Next stop, walgreens to find out how much this prescription costs. HUGE WEIGHT OFF OF MY SHOULDERS to see that it was only $10. I can definitely afford to spend $10 every month and a half. I was so relieved.
    Anyway, we took Annabell home and I put her on a pile of blankets on the floor in my bedroom since it’s the quietest, calmest, darkest place in my house so she can rest as best as she can. She woke up only 5 hours later which was weird to me because the doctor said AT LEAST 24 hours she should be knocked out. Rhonda had to go back the next day anyway to take her dog to the vet for a check up so she said she’d ask about that for me.
    It was so sad but so funny to watch Annabell get up… She was so drunk. She ran into every single thing- even bare wall. She got stuck under the kitchen table- couldn’t find her way out through the chair legs… I ended up putting the pile of blankets into this big kennel thing that Rhonda let me borrow for her and I locked Annabell in there so she wouldn’t hurt herself from running into everything. She never really went to sleep, but she didn’t whine to get out or anything.
    Then it was time for her next valium at 11:30pm. Rather than making her tired, it did the complete opposite. She was anxious and restless. She paced around the house and whimpered constantly literally ALL NIGHT. Jose and I didn’t get any sleep. I couldn’t get her to lay down. I locked her in the kennel and all she did was yelp. Alex had to go to school the next day, so my focus was keeping her asleep. Then Annabell started this shit where she wanted to go in the bathroom. I have no idea why… but I let her in there anyway. I closed the toilet bowl and put the trash can on top of the sink counter and went to try to lay down because she wasn’t whimpering anymore. She was just pacing and sniffing around the bathroom. Then she jumped in the bathtub which she does a lot anyway, but because she was still doped up, she couldn’t get back out… I didn’t want to deal with that, so I took her out of the bathroom and shut the door. She still kept whining and scratching at the door so Jose and I decided to do every torturous thing that could be done to a dog in the bathroom. We gave her a bath in the bath tub, gave her a bath in the sink, clipped her toe nails, brushed her fur, trimmed some of the matts out of her fur… She still wanted to be in the bathroom. Jose would turn on the water in the tub, and she’d run out. He’d turn it off and she’d run right back in. -_______-
    It was about 5:30am at that point so we decided to just stay awake and watch TV. Luckily he was off work. Annabell was so annoying all day, I was about ready to rip my fur off. I didn’t blame her anxiousness on the valium… so I gave her half of one. Soon after, Rhonda texted me from the vet saying that sometimes valium does in fact do the opposite what they want it to, so I should stop giving it to her. FML. Finally at about 9:00 last night, she chilled the fuck out and slept. She slept better than ever too, I think. I’m sure she was worn out from being awake and anxious for soooo long.
    Ending the story, she is fine now although we are back at stage one. She is a new puppy again. She doesn’t really respond to her name. I have to re-house train her. I have to teach her basic commands again… It’s a little frustrating, but I love her sooo much more now. It’s crazy how it take something tragic like this to realize how much you love someone… But I do feel so much closer to her and I will definitely be spending more time with her. She’s like my cute little retarded old lady now :’)

Big Day!

Angel has moved his stuff out. Maria’s moving in with him from New York today. I have a HUGE pile of baby stuff that I will FINALLY have room to go through! I need to make a list of baby stuff that we still need to get. I doubt we’re going to have a baby shower. :( oh well. Anyway, Alex’s bed is back in her bedroom and we have the baby’s crib pieces leaning up against the wall in my bedroom. I have so much stuff I want to get done today! I want to put the crib together and get the crib set on it. I want to clean Alex’s room and get the bookshelf out and her little desk out and replace those with this beautiful desk thing that I pillaged lol. I’ve GOT to go through and organize this baby stuff before I explode. Then I want to rearrange my bedroom so the bed is in the middle of the wall rather than in the corner, that way Jose and I both will be able to get up easier when the baby’s here. I’ve gotta get the baby’s dresser out of Alex’s room too and into ours that way she has more room in her bedroom. I’ve also got to go through the baby clothes we have. I really need to quit saying yes when people offer me clothes. I haven’t turned anyone down and we have enough clothes now to supply 50 babies a different outfit every day for the next two years of their lives. I need to sort through them and give away or give back the clothes that we know we won’t use. Maybe I’ll get that done today. Then I definitely want to get the carpet shampooed before Maria comes. I want the place to look good! The living room is fine but I know she’s going to want to check out everything. Our bedroom carpet looks disgusting and Alex’s carpet looks like a man used to live in there (lol…). They’re not really that bad… but I do want them freshened up anyway. Soooo, better get busy!

I’m gonna make some eggs or something to take to Angel because the only edible thing in his apartment is a loaf of bread :)

oh and 30 days left until the baby is born! I am officially 9 months pregnant!

Rollercoaster

These last couple of days have been really stressful. I love Angel to death and I really do consider him my brother and I am happy to be helping him out in any way that I can. But he has his own apartment now… he’s had it for almost a week, and he still hasn’t moved out. Alex needs her room back. I never talked to Jose about it because I knew he’d take Angel’s side and get super offensive about how I felt, but I finally got sick of it and told him! Of course, as I’d imagined, he got super pissed at me and held it against me for a while. I don’t care because I just don’t understand it. Jose can get mad at me all he wants, but I will never see a good reason as to why a grown man (28 years old) is still living with us when he has an apartment. His excuse is that he doesn’t want to be by himself. Jose told him to stay here until Maria gets here on Tuesday. Sure that’s just a few days away, but Angel’s been staying with us for MONTHS and in MY DAUGHTER’S BEDROOM. Plus, since Angel works overnight, he sleeps all day and is gone all night. I clean and play with Alex and listen to music and watch movies all day. Why wouldn’t he want to go to his apartment to get some good sleep? Another thing is, why does he feel like it’s not a problem to stay in a child’s bedroom when he has his own damn apartment?! ANOTHER THING… THE APARTMENT IS A FEW FEET AWAY FROM OUR APARTMENT!!!!! Emphasize on A FEW FEET. Not even kidding! It is like 5 apartments down from ours. I know Jose and Angel are madly in love with each other, but really, they won’t miss each other that much! I know Jose will be over there 24/7 anyway after Angel leaves here so I don’t see why they’re both against the idea. Another thing that Jose likes to bring up is that Angel let us stay with him at one point for a few months in his one bedroom apartment. Angel slept on the couch so Jose and Alex and I could use his bed. Okay, but as soon as we saved up for a place to live, we left, right? We didn’t want to burden Angel anymore, right? Okay! I have had absolutely NO PROBLEM at all with Angel staying with us. I feel like we owe him our life. BUT he has his apartment now!!!
    And really, it’s not the fact that Angel is still here that’s totally stressing me out. I mean, of course him being here leads up to why I am stressed out, and if he weren’t here, I’d probably still be stressed, but not nearly as stressed as I am. But it’s the fact that the baby will be here in a month and I haven’t been able to go through any of his stuff. Alex’s bed is in our room and ALL of the baby’s stuff is literally in a HUGE pile in the little corner left in our bedroom. His crib isn’t put together. I can’t get to his dresser to go through his clothes and put them away. Alex needs to have her room back so we can use her part of our bedroom for the baby. A month will be here before we know it, and we have to think about the possibility too that it’s not uncommon for babies to be born any time! Especially since I am now in my last month of pregnancy! I want to be ready for anything!!!
    Three more days………………………
    Okay, now the happy side of these last few days that I haven’t written. Jose came to terms with me and finally understood where I’m coming from. He’s still giving more attention to Angel than to me, and that pisses me off, but I guess I’m getting used to it. I’m focusing on the fact that I have Alex and I will have the brand new baby to devote all of my time to. Sure the lack of attention and affection from him depresses me more often than not, but I know he loves me. He could learn how to show it a little more, but he loves me and that’s fine with me. He’s acknowledged that I’ve been way better with keeping up the house and cooking every day, which is a good step because he honestly didn’t even notice before. Okay, I’m getting depressed as I’m writing this now because it looks like I’m just in denial about how things really are. I mean I do know that he loves me. He really just hasn’t been showing it and it sucks. Straight up. First thing he does when he gets home from work is goes and talks to Angel about his day. He doesn’t even hug or kiss me first. He hugs or kisses me after his time with Angel. This is going to sound really stupid because I know they are stupid little things, but the stupid little things add up for me. He has Angel walk with him to check the mail. He doesn’t even ask if I want to go. He just says he’ll be right back. He walks with Angel to the store when Angel has to buy cigarettes. When I want something from the store, I almost beg him to go with me, and he usually ends up not going anyway, or he goes with a bad mood. When we all eat dinner together at the table, I sit there quiet the WHOLE time because Angel and Jose are having their own conversations in spanish, laughing and smiling and not acknowledging my existence at all. It’s really frustrating. I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know if there’s anything to do to actually deal with it. I’ve talked to Jose about it so many times… Talking helps but only temporary. Then his excuse is “but I see you every day. we sleep in bed together every night.” Really? Here’s how I see it: you just glance at me every day. we just so happen to sleep in the same bed at night. When him and Angel are together, I feel like I don’t exist. I understand that’s his best friend. He’s a really good friend to me too. But I’m Jose’s girlfriend! I’m the mother of his child! We’re in a relationship together! Isn’t there supposed to be more communication and affection than this?
    Blah…..

Nesting

Angel has been living with us since he got back from Puerto Rico a few months ago. We let him stay here without having to pay anything so he can save up as much as possible to move out as soon as possible. (He did the same for us in his little one bedroom apartment that he used to have…). He works an over night job so he sleeps pretty much all day. He was originally sleeping in the livingroom on our old fouton matress, but since he sleeps all day and, well, nobody else in the house does, that got old really quick. So I put Alex’s bed in mine and Jose’s bedroom and gave Alex’s room temporarily to Angel. I didn’t realize he’d be here as long as he has been so it’s gotten really annoying having to share a room with Alex lmao. I love her and all but she snores like a 500 pound man. Plus her fifty thousand billion toys and all her clothes. PLUS all the baby stuff that we have no room for as long as Alex’s bed is in our room. Then in the living room, we have our 3 couches and then Angel found two couches that he’s going to use in his apartment. That’s 5 couches stuffed in our living room…………. wtf. Did I mention we live in an apartment and not a mansion? And not an amazingly sized apartment either… So anyway all this shit has been frustrating me really bad and I haven’t cleaned about anything but dishes, because I hate how no matter how much I clean, it still looks messy and cluttered because of all the extra shit.
    Good news! Angel got the key to his apartment today. I wish I wasn’t almost 9 months pregnant so I can help Angel hurry up and get his shit out without having to wait aaaaaaaaall the way until Jose gets home from work today. Good thing his apartment is in the same complex is ours! :)
    I’ve been in such a decorating mood. I CANNOT WAIT to get the baby’s little nursery center in our bedroom set up. We have so much baby stuff, it’s ridiculous! I also want to decorate Alex’s room really really bad. I think I want to do it for her birthday though, February 5th. I’ll have my income tax back by then… just almost $3,000. I’m going to buy her a loft bed. I also want to hang up some strands of christmas lights and figure out some cute way to display all my favorite drawings and stuff of hers. I plan on getting rid of her TV and completely filling up her book case with books! I want to get her a fish tank too with maybe just a couple guppies or something. I found this really cool beginner kit that comes with everything you need to get an aquarium started. It has a light that shines from the back and changes colors that puts the shadows of the fish swimming around on the walls. It also has a timer that slowly dims the light off so it’d be a perfect night light for her!! I just have so many little DIY ideas racked up too.
    I also want to buy white paint and paint her dresser and book shelf white to match her super cute little work desk thing. Totally off the subject, but I want a new blender too. Mine is ancient…
    Back on the decorating subject now, I want to rearrange mine and Jose’s bedroom after Alex’s bed is back in her room. I’m gonna have my mom help me when Jose is at work on Thursday because every time I tell him about my rearranging ideas, he hates them and majorly objects to them, so I have my mom come and do it anyway and when he gets home from work, he ends up loving it. So I’m not even gonna tell Jose. But our bed is in one corner of the room and both of our dressers are on another wall. I think it’d leave more space and be more convenient for the both of us to put the bed in the middle of the wall and put one dresser on one side and the other dresser on the other side. That way we can each get up without one having to climb over the other. I think it’d make things easier with the baby too. And with only one dresser on that wall, it’ll leave space for more baby stuff too.
    OK! That does it! Angel is back here with his key getting his clothes and what not packed up. The least I can do is carry his little fold up kitchen table and chairs over there ;) I may pack up some of our excess dishes as well to give to him!
    I LOVE LIFE RIGHT NOW :)

Lyric

Tomorrow, I have a date to video chat on Facebook with Lyric, the baby I had and put up for adoption, and her parents. Except for when she was born of course, this is the first time I’ll be seeing her “in person”. Well live anyway…. I mean not in just pictures!

Anyway! I am extremely nervous. I know for a fact that I’m going to cry… I also know that my computer is a piece of shit and it won’t let us chat for long. I also don’t have a good microphone so I hope they’d be able to hear me well :( I don’t know what to say or how to act. I’m super awkward. I don’t know how to start conversations or keep them going. I’m scared Lyric won’t like me or won’t care. I mean, what can I expect? She’s only two. But I made a two year old cry just by smiling at her the other day :/ that kind of traumatized me. A baby has never reacted like that to me before! But yeah, and if Lyric does react well to me, what if this is the last time she’ll be happy towards me? What if the next time her parents want to video chat, she’ll be older and will understand more about where she came from and she’ll be angry at me? I have so many different thoughts running through my mind right now. I’m suuuper excited though either way, but I’m super nervous as well. I can’t sleep. I’ve been laying in bed for like 3 hours just thinking. Jose and Alex have been passed out. So here I am.

…my webcam is in the other room and I’m terrribly lazy now, SO instead of the usual current picture of myself, here is my most recent picture of Lyric!

Trophy Wife

I don’t know if this is a good thing or not. But my current dream job is to actually be a house wife. I love to clean my house. I want to learn to be a good cook. LMAO I actually want to dress cute every day and have the house clean and a meal made for when Jose gets home from work and Alex gets home from school.
    I want to work out every morning (as best as I can while I’m pregnant- and then full force post-pregnancy!) and I want to go for walks with Alex and Anabelle every evening, and then AJ too when he is born.
    The thing I want to change though is why I want to do it. I keep saying Jose is my motivation. I want to do it for him so he will love me. I want my main reason to be that I am doing it for myself. I want to do it for my happiness. I want to live in a clean house and I want to make my family happy. I want them to come home to a clean house and food on the table. I want everyone to crawl into a made bed everyday.
    I do want my own money though! >:) I am hoping my current project is successful and I make almost $1000. That way I know I can work at home and easily afford my own. I generally just want money to buy things for my house to make it cozy. I want brand new, COMFORTABLE couches… not hand-me-downs. I want a beautiful cali king sized bed with a big fancy comforter set and tons of pillows. I want Alex’s room to be every girl’s dream room. I want a cute monkey themed bathroom. I eventually want to change my kitchen from the fat chef to bright colored fruits and veggies.
    So yes. I want to be the perfect mom and perfect wife. Starting now! I have been in my pajamas all day… but I can’t really fit into anything else… But I can do my make up and hair so I don’t look 100% disgusting.
    Um, and that’s all that I wanted to say. If I keep typing, I will keep rambling and not get anything done ;)

$$$

I am making a list of stuff I want but don’t need therefore I don’t have the money for them so I have to save up for them. AND as I get them, I will come back to this post and cross them off!

A car……….
Big fancy clock for the living room
Brown and black rug for living room
Loft bed for Alex’s room
Butt length hair extensions


and of course I will be adding more because I’m greedy like that

Family man?

I’m so depressed. One of the big things that keeps me optimistic about my future is my children. I want a nice house- not extremely huge, but big enough to support my children grow up in, and if they ever need somewhere to go when they do grow up if they hit a bump in the road in their future.
    Jose just loves to bring me down when I’m happy. I have depression pretty bad and I’d say 19% of my time is spent truly happy. Today was one of those good days for the most part and then Jose decides to say that he will never buy a house.
    That instantly brought my spirits down… and then silently pissed me off.
    For one… WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO RENT THEIR ENTIRE LIFE?! I was window shopping for houses just to see the price range of houses of the size I prefer.
    I’d say on average, they were about $150,000.
    Starting from there and doing some math, say Jose and I live to be 80 years old. We’re both, give or take a year, 20 years old now. That’s 60 years between now and then. If we live in this apartment, paying the same monthly rent for 60 years, that’s a total of $334,800. Only 26 out of our 60 years of life of rent could buy us an ideal house to grow old in and save us all of that money, and then to pass down onto our children saving them the money, and so on.
    Then not to mention the fact that he doesn’t want more kids and I want 4 kids total at least. Not now and not anytime soon of course. We are both really young, and I may change my mind 5 years from now and not want any more, and he may want more. The point is though, my dream of having a big, secure family, in a big welcoming house, is the only thing that keeps me happy and moving forward each day. And he just has to ruin it. There needs to be a rule book for men for relationships. The first one in my book would definitely be “If your girlfriend is excited about something, even if you couldn’t give the slightest fuck, pretend to be excited too.” Damn it!!!

(I secretly took that picture so Jose wouldn’t know Im angrily typing about him while he’s laying down on the bed right behind me…)